Thursday, August 19, 2010

When You Smile

I'm not in love with you. I promise. Right now I'm too afraid to let go, but feel that I must hold myself together, make myself small, and not let anyone see the fragility within my soul, as though I were made of glass. Right now, I swear I don't love you.

My heart doesn't beat faster when I see you, it just grows a little warmer.
My breath doesn't catch when I see you, it just comes out a little shaky.
My voice doesn't disappear when I see you, it just becomes a little softer.

There is so much affection I have to give, but I'm sure I'm not in love with you, so I'll hide behind my mask for a little while longer. I walk along the railway line, wondering where it could lead, balancing carefully on the track, but wondering how different each side would feel if I fell. I look down, careful to maintain the balancing act; just as a tightrope walker has no net to catch them, so too, do I not have anything to fall to. That's why I'm not falling for you. That's why I'm so careful not to stray from that railway line.

I'm certain that I don't love you. I pledged that I wouldn't. My long silences and shy glances don't mean anything, I assure you.

My being doesn't long for you, it just needs a little affection.
My soul doesn't yearn for you, it just needs another friend.
My arms don't fit impeccably around you, they just form the perfect cage.

And yet, when you smile that disarming smile, I confess that my heart stops for a fraction of a second, and I could almost believe I may have fallen for you indeed.

11 comments:

  1. That's beautiful :) But lol, I think you may kill me for even bringing this up here but I've been reading twilight again (yeh, read fast cos I'm embarrassed too but it's chill time after trials. hahaha) and this reminds me of their relationship.
    Hahahha, I will now wander away, hoping you won't beat me to a pulpy pulp. LOLL

    xx

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  2. Sweetie, this is heartbreakingly gorgeous.
    Talk to me if you need me.
    x

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  3. Haha, Em, why would I beat you to a pulp for mentioning Twilight? Sure I don't like the book, but you're entitiled to read and then talk about whatever you like.
    Not sure I can see the connection between what I wrote and their relationship though...
    But thanks for reading and commenting.

    And yes Lil, I will talk if I need to, but I really don't.
    Thanks though, for that, and for reading, and liking and commenting :)

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  4. LOL LOL LOL! It is quite the embarrassment though I have to admit. But sure :) Hahaha, dunno the vamp and the human.. LOL, my brain sometimes operates on funny wavelengths, hence the strange conclusions. But yes, the connection is still there for me. Mmmmmmm..

    xx

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  5. Haha, well I guess there was that whole thing where Edward didn't want to love Bella, but in truth he did, but that's the closest I can think of relating to my post. Is that what you had in mind?
    But yes, I agree, that's some strange thinking right there :P

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  6. Well possibly. But also him attempting to balance between morality and his 'intense emotions' OH, you know what. I also read Midnight Sun as well. HAHAHAHAH maybe that's why. Anyway...

    xx

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  7. OH! maybe that's why!
    I kinda liked Midnight Sun, she didn't get that far with it though eh? I wish she'd finished, it was actually pretty interesting.
    But yeah, I guess I can see what you mean about the balance of morality and emotion. Do you do what is right, or do you give in to your feelings? It's tough.

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  8. Midnight Sun was better than Twilight cos we finally get a glimpse of what goes on behind those 'golden ochre eyes' of his. Hahahh, dear me.
    Yeh cos Bella was just boring, obssessive and annoying..
    Mmm, too true. In that perspective, just wondering, what would you do Mersini? Do what morals govern you or let yourself be swept by instincts and emotions?

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  9. Yes I thought so too. It was fascinating hearing the other side of the story.

    What would I do? Honestly, I don't know. I know I want to say that I would follow my emotion, 'cause there is that part of me that is slave to how I feel. At the same time though, I've been there, and I took the moral path. That's why it's hard to say. It depends on the situation I suppose.
    What would you do?

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  10. Mmm.. I don't really know. But I've always thought of myself as a more moral driven person.. so like doing something that I think is is right over something that I really want to do.. but yeh, depending on circumstances.. why not do both? HAHAH

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  11. Haha! It'd be awesome to do both. The problem is, most of the time your morals are in conflict with your emotions...

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