Thursday, June 23, 2011

A Different Crop

I used to miss you so bad. I used to think back over hot summer days, and the freezing winter ones, spend lying on the grass, gazing into the blue, blue sky. I used to miss the way you laughed, and especially your gorgeous smile. I used to miss our conversations, the way we seemed to be able to talk about anything with honesty. I used to miss not having you around.

But then I grew up. High school days are but a distant memory now, those people ghosts, shadows which sometimes flit across the expanse of memory, and then melt again into the greyness of distance - Time's signature for forgotten souls. I knew you would become one of them. You said otherwise, but I knew. It's because I know me, and I used to know you. We weren't the type to cultivate something when it grew out of reach. And we have grown in different directions now, have we not? Still, I feel that I could bend in the breeze and touch you, bringing you back into the life from which you have not completely disappeared, but I'm not sure I want to. We were what we were, but I don't miss you anymore.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Both Here and There, but mostly There

Well, excuse me, I'm sorry, but did you know that you haunt my dreams? It's not very polite of you, you know, strolling through my mind every night, as though it were within your rights to invade my most private moments. It's unfair to me that I should wake up each day, the late morning light blocked out by my thick curtains, and wish in the artificial darkness that I was waking up next to you.

Your face chases my thoughts throughout the day, flitting in and out of sight, frustrating me that I cannot reach out and touch you; you're so far away, but with me always. You have a beauty in you which makes me want to be better, to strive for something, to make you proud; but you'd never know, looking at me, how impassioned you've made me. It's a gift of yours. I wonder if it's only particular to me - somehow, I doubt it.

Just so you know, you're welcome in my head, you're allowed to walk through my dreams; I'd rather have you that way than not at all. My head may be lost in the clouds, but feet are firmly planted on the ground.

Friday, June 17, 2011

The Ignited Soul

You don't think I can do it, but I know better. I know what drives me, and I know that determination writhes within me, pushing at my chest and threatening to break through and take me over. But I hold it back; there is a difference between determined and reckless. But you'll see, one day I shall prove you wrong. I'll make you doubt yourself from that moment forth.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011


Will someone please tell me, when does the misery end?

Friday, June 10, 2011

Promises Made To Be Kept

I wish it to be true. Every day another opportunity passes and though I wish it wasn't so, those times are gone. I look back over them and wonder, and I hope. I know I pretend that I'm not interested, but I confess it's because I don't know which words to say, which emotions to show. I need to try to balance between coming off as freindly, and overly friendly; I'm not sure how, so I come across as aloof. I'm sorry. I want it to be different.

Seeing you is a combination of a sunny day, and have a cloud which rains only on me. I love your smile, but I hate that I can't compliment it. I love the way you stare, but can't meet your gaze. I love the way you play with your hair, but hate that I can't reach out and grab your hand to keep you from fidgeting. I love your fidgeting, but I'd love your hand in mine more.

Somehow I lost my heart to you without you even having to say a word to me. That's not fair, you know? But I suppose, as the saying goes "all's fair in love and war." Not that this is love. Not yet. I don't know if I could love you without knowing you a little more, but it's damn strong at the moment, whatever this is.

All I want to know is if there is something for you too in those glimpses you get of me, walking past one another in and out of the room, passing each other in hallways and tunnels, each of us heading in our own direction. I want to know if there's anything there when I catch your eye for the briefest fraction of a second. Was there anything there when we talked a little? Do you find the conversations you overhear of mine entertaining? Could I have wooed you without having to speak directly to you?

If we're being honest, I feel that I am out of your class. Beside you I feel too rough, unrefined, dorky, too much like an immature child. I wonder if any of that appeals to you. My sense of humour can be crass sometimes, but if can make you laugh, I'll be happy for all eternity. As long as I'm not just 'that idiot' to you.

I wonder what you think of me, every time I stand beside you in the elevator (how is it we always end up in the same one?). Do you even think of me? Did your soft spoken well wishes apply to me also?

Perhaps I'll be lucky next time. Perhaps we'll say something to one another. Perhaps I'll know for sure. I can hope until then can I not? This is one of those times I wish I was braver. Or more poetic; somehow I believe you appreciate poetics, ever since you made that comment about reading in bookstores. I wish I could know; I want to shower you with romance. It may surprise you, but I have a romantic soul, above all else. I just haven't had a chance to share it with anyone yet, so no one really knows. I want to share it with you. I think you'd appreciate it more than most other people I've met in my life.

I promise I'll embarrass you with all the silly things I'll do, which you'll forgive me for because they're also romantic. I promise I'd sing you love songs on the spur of the moment, whether we're walking down the street, sitting in a cafe, or riding in the elevators where we seem to meet so much. I promise to take you on dates to fancy restaurants (on weekdays because you work weekends), but also on dates to parks, where we could climb the trees and recline in the branches, talking till the sun sets behind the horizon. I promise I'd visit you at work, and distract you from all the guys who are trying to hit on you from across the bar. I promise I'd hug you whenever I saw you, and keep you close. I promise I'd kiss you, even if we got stares. I promise I'd spontaneously grab your hand and drag you out on a date. I promise I'd find that spot you loved to be kissed, and proceed to kiss it at every given opportunity. I promise I'd read to you, poetry, novels, histories, scientific journals, if you so wished, anything to keep you happy. I promise I'd try to cook for you, but be warned I'm not the world's best chef. And I promise I'd make you my priority over everything else.

Those are promises made to be kept. I don't know whether you'll take me up on the offer. Just so you know, if you don't, someone else will. Eventually. I may have to wait years, but someone will. But right now, I wish it was you who'd take me up on them. I wish there was something behind those quick glances, every now and then.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

A Familar Face

Unexpected faces in familiar places - do you remember me? Half smile among the stacks - an acknowledgment, or some private joke within your mind? You may change the colour of your hair, but that won't make me mistake you for someone else. I know that smile, I know those eyes, the same now as they were then. I hope you do well, whether that half smile was for me or not. The past is the past and we were never going to be anything other than passersby in one another's lives, even if we have a whole city and still manage to find one another.