Friday, August 20, 2010

The Folly of Desperation

I have to ask myself who I want to be, for it seems that happiness eludes me wherever I turn. Just when I am on the brink of attaining something beautiful, it realises who I am, and shrinks back into the shadows, leaving me hurting and dismayed once again. I'm afraid of being left alone and battered and rotting, forgotten in the corner of some abandoned place, while the world goes on without me, and the rest live with the happiness that wasn't meant for me.

Do I not deserve happiness as much as they?
What is it that I have done for it to shun me?

I am suffocating amongst the lives of everyone around me, as they press too closely to my own, but still each separate from mine. None are there to overlap and cross into the small bubble which is my life, they are each there to have their own. I am left to contemplate my loneliness as I watch their laughter and their love.

Now I find that I will do almost anything to become the important person in another's life. It is not such a terrible thing to want to be someone's love; it is not such a terrible thing to want someone to let you love them. Such desperation resides within me that I am almost willing to change my very essence to perhaps only have an opportunity.

But, however much I say this, there is still no chance of a romance anywhere in view; the sun beats down clearly on the sea, but there are no ships on the horizon. There are none who feel for me what I perhaps wish them to feel; there are none daring enough to want to. There is no one who suffers such insanity as to allow me a chance to love them and bring to them the happiness which currently evades me.

I am not surprised. And for this reason I have no tears to pour forth, only sorrows to wallow within.

9 comments:

  1. I know you feel lonely, and I know how it feels. And as cliche as this sounds and as much as I hate other people telling me this, you will find someone to love just as much as they love you.
    But for now, you're not alone. You're a huge part in our lives. Mine, Cy's, V's, Getta's and I'm sure Emily and other people from your other group too. You're important to all of us.
    You deserve to be happy. And you will be. I believe it.
    x

    ReplyDelete
  2. We're all here to support you no matter what Mersini! :)
    Remember what you told me about hope and light? Well, I believe what you said. Don't give up! ily,

    xx

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks you guys.

    Em, what did I tell you about hope and light? I don't remember. Gosh, that's so terrible, and we had that conversation today didn't we?
    Shows what kind of state of mind I'm in at the moment huh?
    Please remind me what I said?

    ReplyDelete
  4. We totally did Mersini! Hahaha, that there is always light and hope in every situation no matter how bad it is. Well, no we didn't go to that extent but that was the general jist of the conversation but I believe what you said so yes.

    xx

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hmm yeah, that's true. But you know Em, sometimes it's hard to believe in something you can't yet see...

    Also, we need to finish that conversation.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Of course, but I think you just need to have faith in the fact that things will improve, and even though you may not feel like that will happen soon, you just have to believe that one day things will be better.

    And yes, we shall. :) Too bad we don't have the same frees, hey? haha

    ReplyDelete
  7. I know you're right, but at the same time, it's just so hard. But that's ok, I'll just put on my brave face and go about the world in the same way I always have. And no one will know any different.

    I know right? :(

    ReplyDelete
  8. Yes, I know. I have also been through some tough times, but in all retrospect, light does shine at the end of the tunnel. For now, just know that you have a group of true friends that will constantly support you no matter what.

    Yes, but we'll defos talk. hmm :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Yes, I know, and I love you all for it. I really do.

    Yep, definitely. Seems quite a few people have been having some not so good times lately. So yeah, we'll finish our conversation, for sure.

    ReplyDelete