Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Out of Time

Listen while I tell you what it's like for me. It's missing a life that you know you haven't led, missing songs you've never heard, missing places you've never been to, missing a sense of spirituality you've never held. It's no wonder that here I've always felt out of place; I've always felt out of time. 

Some of it is imagined, images, ideals gleaned from the novels which I have devoured over the years. But for that, it still seems as real as the life I lead now. I revel in melodies of times gone by, wishing that I was there, knowing that there is where I ought to be. This place seems like a wasteland: harsh, cold, and empty of the things which are important.

I know there are groups, among which I could be accepted, who still revel in the joys of the land and revere it for its gifts. Yet to join those who celebrate the sacred Sabbaths is to leave everything I have known. And this place is not without its good things too. Perhaps I must wed the life I wish I led to the life I do lead, full well knowing which would prevail over the other, and which would temper its attempts to reign. Then too, there would be those who would cast me out for my chosen path in life, those who would not understand, those from whom I have always wanted an escape. 

If I know anything, I know this: I do not belong here, I never have. Surely there must be places to whence I can go and satiate this hole within me. It will require sacrifice, I understand, of everything, of everyone I have ever known, but perhaps that is not too high a cost. Perhaps it is. I will never know until I am well and truly on the path that will either lead to my salvation, among ancient monoliths and ancient rituals, or my perdition, a soul crushing despair at making such a mistake. In the end I would be missing people I never truly learned to love, or be missing myself, who as such, I can never truly love. 

Oh if only life had been kind and thrust me back into the time I belonged, not here, where the greatest challenge will be learning to love myself in a world which I cannot accept. I only wish to explore the sacred pathways once more as the Ancients did before me.

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