Tuesday, December 7, 2010

The First Baptism

Already you have felt as though you've drowned, but in that, you have found that you arrived at an unexpected place; a place which has brought an unusual peace. You were tried, the challenge thrown up against you, slapping you in the face with all its might. You faltered, you wavered, you stumbled. You spent immeasurable time twisting, turning, trying to shake off the challenge and the emotions unleashed in you. If the memory returns and catches you off guard, still your stomach sinks and your heart stops beating for a fraction of a second.

You confronted familiar things, and hidden things. You wanted to wail and weep, but held fast in the onslaught. Barely. There were times your fingers slipped and you almost relinquished your grip on the life you had. The temptation to run tugged strongly at your mind, clouded with fear and a strange depression. And yet, you are here. That voice which rebuked you yelled strongly at your reason while you tried to hold your own against the tide. It made you feel anger, and shame, and disappointment; it made you feel fear. It made you realise that it was a test of your worth, of what kind of person you were. You held to what you knew to be right; pain is inconsequential when it means you are serving something greater than yourself.

When you realised, the light of day had broken through and held you in embrace, caressing and soothing. You carefully prised your heart from the cold claw which held it and began to move forward, leaving the past to rot behind you. You knew that it was time to forge something different, something new, something better. You shall falter again, but again you will stand true and push through the uncertainty. It is the only way to prove your own worth to yourself. Only then shall you accept yourself as you never had before. The path you tread has already proved treacherous, and shall do so again and again, but it is the one which shall allow you to love, yourself foremost, and then others, more than any other. You know that there shall not come a time again where you stand back and watch them leave your life, nor will you abandon those who most need you. You've realised you're better than that.

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