Saturday, November 6, 2010

The Lonely Are Overlooked

Well I know I ain't perfect. Who can even pretend to be? Although we don't pretend to be perfect, we pretend to be happy. We ignore every goddamn slander against ourselves, we keep ourselves together when we most feel like breaking apart, waiting until we're all alone to let it out. And then it's too late, the anger, the hurt, it's all overwhelmed us, and all we feel like doing it striking the hard wall with balled fists, over and over, till we feel the bones break and the blood seep through the torn skin.

No one ever hears us scream because we never let it out. We keep so many things caged within us, too afraid to fight, to afraid to let all our emotions show. Sometimes it's because we cannot take the feeling of imprisonment, sometimes because we can't bear the thought of not being able to tell someone that we love them, other times because the world never fucking seems to go right. We just sit and hope that something, anything decides to turn our luck in our favour.

Well, let me tell you something. It ain't going to happen. No one is going to come to your rescue, so stop fucking waiting. Stop sitting with your head hanging low, with the tears seeping from beneath your eyelids while you sit in the dark and try not to scream, try not to go on a homicidal rampage. Stop hoping for a change if you're not going to bother to bring it about.

You sit in your heartache and wait for someone to come and wipe away the tears, to whisper reassurances, to banish the loneliness and despair which sit with you as companions. No one is going to come. Your pity party isn't going to get you the change you want. Even those you thought you could count on have disappeared, and those who you were taught to think would always be there, well they are not only the problem, but are also completely oblivious to your problems. The reason people become completely independent is because they are the ones who realise that no one else gives a shit.

The lonely don't choose to become lonely. They are lonely because they can't stand the world disappointing them one more time. They can't bear to lose everything all over again, so they forsake it. Perhaps they are the wisest of all because they will never again have to go through the pain and disappointment of realising that they are unloved, that no one cares, and that people are only going to let you down.

I joined their ranks a long time ago. For a moment, just a moment, I thought that maybe I could forsake loneliness, that I could actually live in happiness, and nothing would bring that down. Alas, not the case. Loneliness is my oldest friend, and as it seems, the most dependable. The only thing it's bad at is consoling you when you want to punch something till it's bruised, broken and bleeding. Because it reminds you that you are someone who is bruised, broken and bleeding.

Maybe it's this way because we are afraid of love. Well, that's how it seems, we know. The truth is, we're afraid of abandonment. It's not the commitment we fear, but feeling of being alone after all in the end. It's the fear of letting someone in because once they are inside, they have the ability to break you beyond recovery. We're all that way because it's happened to each and every one of us; by different people at different times, but it's happened. And then, life stopped progressing. We are held in stasis because the world taught us that the only ones we should trust are ourselves.

There aren't enough patient or understand people in the world to teach us otherwise. There aren't enough people who could love us enough that we could change our deepest fears. There aren't enough people who could be bothered to try. Even less are the people who are strong enough to stick it out.

It's no wonder death seems like the best option most of the time.

1 comment:

  1. Sweetie, do you want to talk?
    Email me.