Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Hero Complex

Something's missing here. Whether of dream or nightmare, I cannot tell, but it feels that there is something crucial missing, and that it is being shown to me in the night, dancing tantalisingly before my eyes, my eyelids trapping it in sleep, only to release it with the arrival of the morning. I awake, groping for that feeling, for what seems like it should be there, only to find that it is not, and that the feeling was only in my head.

Along with that came a startling realisation. I find that I always fall for the people who need a saviour; it may take me a lifetime to like them, but in one second that they show vulnerability, they have me - I'm theirs. Naturally such a destructive thing would happen to me. I do not hate it, but it has made me realise that the hardest thing that I will face in this lifetime is not saving people, or loving people, but distinguishing those I love out of love, and those I love out of the compulsion to help them. Only one is true love and I must be able to identify it before I am thrown into something where I am constantly being tugged upon to assist and being fed more heartache than it is worth. I must be on guard, for I must learn to distinguish those I love from the rest; such a momentous task for one who has always thought they were in love with the person they in fact only had the compulsion to save.

It's a recurring pattern in my life; my heart always aches after someone a little more when I have seen the tears streaking down their face. The fact is, I can't be held by that anymore. I can't love you only because you're vulnerable, I need to love you despite your vulnerability.

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