S&M

This has to stop. All of it. We can't pretend that everything is ok. That's just not how things work. Perhaps you're fine with the idea of just forgetting things and walking away; it seems to be the way you deal with everything, because you are too fucking weak to take it any other way. Well I'm not your goddamn pawn, I'm not your marionette, and I'm certainly no longer your friend. You've forgotten that I'm another living, breathing, thinking, feeling being.

You may try as you might to patch things up, but sticky tape never fixes anything permanently. And now everything's falling apart. Have you even noticed?

I want to know if what I'm doing, how I'm living, is hurting you. If my laughter stabs you in the heart, if avoiding you twists the knife, then wrenches your heart out because the knife got lodged too deeply.

I don't think you understand. I loved you, and could have given you everything that I could possibly give. Only, I was too afraid to actually give it, I was afraid of rejection. I was afraid of success.

So we came to a standstill. And things began to crumble.

Now there's nothing left standing. And it's as though you're trying to reassemble a man from the dust he became; there's not enough left to build from. I can envision it becoming a sad, consistent pattern in my life.

I can't live this way. I realise that I didn't want you or your personality or your conversation. I wanted the chance to have someone to love.

But enough is enough. I see now that I deserve someone better than you could ever be for me. I see now that the same could be said of me for you. We should go our separate ways. So stop trying to act as though nothing has changed! I don't want it. I don't want you! This isn't silent frustration anymore, it's chaotic agony, where howling is the only release.

I have come to realise that the most important thing in my life is Love. But I do not yearn not only to be loved as so many others do, but to also love. I want someone to let me have the chance to love them, to hold them, comfort them, kiss them, assure them with quiet murmurs. I want someone I can give everything to. I want someone to let me have them.

This is the greatest agony of all; the eye of the storm, where the howling winds have stopped, and the frustration simply gets the better of you, and you have to collapse in silence and bleed it out in tears. Then realise that you're all alone in that agony, because Life is incapable of fulfilling your one true desire.

Is it so wrong to want just one person, just one, to love unconditionally, uncontrollably, irrevocably? To surrender yourself to wholeheartedly, and have them let you do it. To have someone to pull tightly into a hug when they are upset, and take comfort from the embrace, as well as they. To be content with rising everyday to see their smile. I do not believe that it is so wrong, but then why does it seem like reaching for the impossible?

I thought perhaps it could be you, but no, I was wrong. I realised that I did not love you as I had thought, and for each day my vision was clearer, I realised that I did not like most aspects of you, of who you became. And so I allowed you to hurt me, while I hurt you in return. And I believe you enjoyed having the power of pain and pleasure over me, but I had given the power foolishly; I take it back into my own hands now. Only the person who lets me love them should wield that power, and that person is not you. I may be the lonely girl tormented by dreams and heartbreak and memories, unable to survive it for much longer, but that does not mean you have the right to drag me into deeper despair.

It's time for this to end. It seems as though some goodbye's never end, dragging into eternity, long after both parties should have fallen into oblivion. The last curtain has fallen, so why do we linger upon the stage?