My Vulnerability

I stared at the sun today. I was trying to find perfection. I was trying to find something that made sense. For you see, I'm lost, more lost than I have ever been. I can't tell which way is up, which way is left, and I don't know which direction I was heading. Suddenly I've found that all my emotions have been stirred from where they had settled at the bottom of my heart. And I realised that I haven't accepted everything I thought I had. It's amazing how one thing can have such a profound effect on you that you experience an onslaught of emotions every time you see or hear it. Not a thing in the world has ever affected me this way before. It's thrown me into the maelstrom I thought I had ridden out. I don't cry only because it's beautiful, but because it brings out the hidden fragility in me, and the things that do that are the most terrifying of all. I'm scared of being the weak one, the victim, the one who has no control. I'm terrified of the things which leave me in tears, utterly helpless because they show me to myself.

I can't bear to see my own reflection; it reminds me of too many things. Of how I don't know my place in this world, of how I am too afraid to carve myself one because I may isolate myself and have nowhere to go. It reminds me that I am alone, it reminds me of how terrifying that is. It reminds me that the clock is ticking and that I am growing older, still as lost as I always was. I feel old, and tired, like this has been an uphill battle all my life, and I still can't see the crest of the hill, no sign at all of relief. So I hide my face in my hands and cry. The silent sobs shake my body, and nobody notices, and when I face the world again, the only sign that something's wrong is my slightly red ringed eyes. I can't find a way out. The only exit is the one I'm too afraid to take. It means I have to be honest with myself, with everyone. It's not something I'm brave enough to do. What if all it does is show me that I'm more alone than I thought? What if it doesn't lead me to the things I really need? Because some words, when spoken, change the world forever.

Everywhere I look there are remnants of things that are no longer; vestiges of people, of memories, of feelings, and they all bring out something darker than nostalgia. They remind me of times that I knew where I stood, when I was not a speck of dust alone in a cloud. But alone is how I do things. I'll never speak these words out loud until I've come to terms with it on my own, and I'm sure I'm not going to break down in front of anyone. I'll make sure the only time I'm this vulnerable is in the dark of my bedroom, past the midnight hour, and no one can burst in and see my fragility. Time makes you bolder because the consequences of facing your fear diminish as circumstances change.

All the while I shall wish what I have always wished: that I could sail the sky.