Thursday, March 17, 2011

The Single Diver

I'm trying not to think about it because when I do, there sits a weight on my chest; panic. This is the feeling of being lost, without map, or compass, or even anyone to ask, and knowing that while you wander, time is running away from you, slipping past you and into the void behind, to that place from which it is irretrievable. It's having an oxygen tank strapped to your back but knowing that you're lost, and too far from the surface to make it back with the air you have left. Suspended in space - panic starting to creep in, but too shocked by the knowledge of your situation to be able to do anything about it. This is helplessness. And it looks at you with cold eyes that burn, and sees through you, and it knows, it knows that it has won, and that there is no chance of your salvation. Because you've given up before you even dared to start. Your failure was not attempting and not succeeding, but in not bothering to try at all; and now you'll never know whether you could have made it. If you'd fought hard enough, you may have.

And while you're suspended there in the void, the last of your precious air is escaping you, forming bubbles and rising to somewhere above your head, disappearing into the darkness. You see them and despair, for they are going to the place you cannot bring yourself to try reach. I'm seeing my air disappear. I'm seeing my time running out. I'm watching myself giving up because I'm too afraid to take up the challenge, because I'm too afraid of the failure. But I've already failed because I didn't try. I didn't try because I was lost and every direction looked the same, none leading to the light I so desperately wanted to see.

But you see, thinking about that failure, it snapped something in me. I'm ashamed of having given up when there was still time left. I was ashamed for not having any faith in myself when I deserved it. I'm ashamed that I would let opportunities slide over my head so easily. So I stood up. Though I didn't see what I was trying to find, I grabbed in the air before me, and I found something, some leverage to bring me back. I determined to climb back, though my reason said there wasn't a hope. And I'm going to make it. I'm certain.

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