Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Born of Darkness to Burn

You all just stood by and stared as my whole world was torn asunder. The rift that was created in the fabric of my reality bleeds into what's left of my life, spilling over my broken pieces and creeping into my depths. I've tried to dig through it all, to something brighter, something better, but here I'm stuck, in a rut I can't break out of. Senses dulled to the feelings of reality; I can feel no sting, no hurt, no joy, no bliss. Numb to everything; this is no existence. No, I can't take, I can't take this numbness anymore. Must stop to save my soul. Can't fake it, no, don't think everything's as it seems - we can't fake it anymore. Need the guitar to wake me from this nightmare, and pull me deeper into its sweet intoxication.

Need to create myself a cure, need to bleed to find the answer. Too far gone for tears, too far gone for fears. I need to save me. I'll find me a stage, I'll grab me a microphone, I'll make them listen; make them cower, make them cry blood. Raise my voice and make myself heard. Scream the things which weigh on the soul, in the shadow that is heavier than I can bear. Can someone who drowns in their own tragedy make something of themselves? I wonder if you could bear the weight either.

Find me a place where I'll forget my name, forget that goddamn dragging weight. Tired of feeling faithless, tired of being a disappointment, but tied now to that expectation. I'm painfully aware of all the things I do, of all the things I don't feel, and all the things I do. Too aware of how I'm not what others hoped for. Forgive me, or forgive not, I care not at all, but don't keep here. I need to find something to live for, before I become a living corpse, a shadow of a person, of a soul. That question of what I live for haunts, terrifies, goes unanswered. It screams and shouts from within me. It hates, it hurts, it stains and it holds you in its iron grip, making you writhe in pain and wonder why the hell it chose you.

If I can live for the night, for the seduction of the darkness, for the heavy guitar chords ringing through the fibres of my body, intoxicating me, I will. It's a love affair I am willing to risk being exposed. I need to find my place, my empty public place and make it fill with people, make it my private place, and have the courage to sing what I can't say, to expel my panic into the night, and express my lusts, my needs, my pain, my grief. For screaming it out loud is the only time I feel alive. I need something that'll change my life forever. Is the dawn going to bring it? I can't live with the hurt that still shames, I can't live with the grief that still blames. And if it means that I won't ever sleep, than so be it. It's better to burn out and fizzle than to go unnoticed at all.

Music is the saviour of the soul. It will be the saviour of my soul. If it's the only thing I can grab to lead me to salvation, then it is the path I am going to take. I can only hope that Fate will be merciful and lead me to what I need.

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