Catalyst

I fear being left with nothing but the shards of a shattered sky. This isn't where I wanted to be, who I wanted to be, nor is this the life I wanted to live. Viewing a broad spectrum of life, I saw that there were lifestyles which were wholly unattainable for me, some of which I wanted more than anything. Surely there can be lazy and romantic days, where the sun shines and the sky is blue, and even if there is no romance, there can be a certain joy in simply being?

Control is exercised only over the smallest of decisions. Thinking of the road ahead I do not see any change in the current situation and I fear that I will forever be overshadowed by those who cannot live themselves. My biggest fear is that I end up like them; having achieved nothing, drowning in the life in which they achieved nothing, and having no escape, doomed to carry on in the same way until the day they drop dead.

The very thought is a catalyst which kindles a fire within me, a quiet determination that I will not be like them. No, I am not who I want to be, and the world is not a perfect place, but it is the place we must deal with and people can always change who they are. We must be the change we wish to see in the world.

I keep thinking that it will happen, that I will be that change, that catalyst, once I am free and living. But maybe I should not be waiting for it to happen, but be making it happen. Otherwise who's to say when, or indeed if, we stop waiting and start living? We cannot thrive under dictatorship, and this may perhaps turn into a revolution, a civil war tearing apart a house. But no one said that change was a road without bloodshed. No one has ever changed their world without fighting for it.