This struggle isn't getting any easier, and I recognise it as the one I've had before. The one where I want to turn and run and never look back, where I want to hold someone for the rest of my life because there isn't any other way to alleviate the loneliness which manifests in my soul like a gangrene. It's where I want to bandage wounds which don't exist and walk around holding myself tall and fragile and letting people see that I am not ok.
I could be better, of course I could be better. But how to get there? It's like preparing for a disaster but not knowing what you're preparing for. Is it the end of the world? Sometimes it feels like it. Sometimes it feels like waiting for something and seeing it not happen again and again and again, so that all you ever learn to expect is disappointment and a nausea which makes you sick all the time. It's like seeing the projection of yourself walking the earth flicker and vanish in front of your eyes, so that you feel like you're floating, lost and confused with no way of getting back.
I want to scratch it out of my skin, out from behind my ribcage, and flick it into oblivion. I want it to let me go. Otherwise I'm letting the world go.
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