Wednesday, July 6, 2011
I hope so. I want to leave this world knowing that at one time in my life someone was absolutely terrified of me. It might not be because of my actions, it might not be because of my words, but I'd be happy knowing that the thought of my presence again in your life sends you into nervous fits. God knows I've sent you spiralling into panic attacks in the past, but this time I want you to panic at just the thought of having to see me again.
I saw what you did there, playing indecisive until I made my own decision. Don't think that I'm stupid enough not to know what's going on. I get a satisfaction from it, truth be told. I like knowing that you don't want to see me again. It tells me that you're too scared to face me.
Personally, it's not your presence which deters me, but the presence of others. I spent too long being the one forgotten in the corner, so tell me, why would I go to see such 'friends' again? Not worth my while, wouldn't you say? Not worth the effort. I have others now who don't make me feel that way. I'd say I'm better off. I'm better off without you, and mostly, I'm better off without them. Life ain't so bad now, you know, with you lot purged from my life. Remember those days of depression I had, sinking down into some indefinable misery? I don't have those days anymore. Funny, isn't it? Doesn't that tell you something? Tells me something.
I don't regret anything, not anymore, not now that I see that I am where I am because all of that happened and that here is better that there was ever going to be. But that doesn't stop me wanting you to be terrified. That doesn't stop me from smiling because I know you are. The Coward and the Sadist, that's who we really were all the while, isn't it? Funny how the roles reversed quite often, isn't it?