Friday, April 18, 2014

Exquisite Inadequacy

I hang in the air between spaces, between phases of life, the ropes tethering me to the current fraying and snapping one by one by one. Who knows how much longer they will hold out? 

I never had a fear of heights, but I've always had a fear of falling, the empty sensation in the stomach that wrenches me from dreams. So I threw myself at the shallows, at the things that would not hurt me when I landed, inevitably without waiting hands at the bottom. I threw myself at the places where I could force myself back onto my battered feet, where I didn't have to be disappointed by all the helping hands I was not receiving. 

Now I regret my lack of recklessness. Because every time I pushed myself to my knees, to my feet again, I found that the pain was just the same. I should have spent it on the things that really mattered. 

But I don't know how to take off my training wheels. I spent so much time avoiding the edge, the deep, that I don't really know how to fall.

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